What's Stopping You?

 by leahgrant

Photo: aeonpi.com

You've been talking about pursuing your dream since high school. You've been stuffing a file with places you'd like to travel since you got your first job. You've envisioned what your boutique store would look like for years, even driving around searching for the perfect location, yet you've never taken that next step.

So, what's stopping you?

In my coaching with clients they regularly share the obstacles that are stopping them from moving forward. At least fifty percent of the time, these items are perceived, not real.

Here's a list of the most popular ones I've heard and how to avoid them:

1. I'm too old.

Years ago I heard the story of a 70-year-old woman who lifted a car off her grandchild and saved his life. When she was interviewed, instead of being ecstatic, she was melancholy and admitted that if she could lift a car to save a child what else might she have been able to do that she never tried. The interviewer asked her what she'd always wanted to do, but hadn't tried. The grandma replied, "Go to college." The interviewer challenged her, "So why not do it now?" And so she did.

You are only too old if YOU decide you are. There are lots of stories of older Olympians, older singers and older musicians-fields typically associated with youth.

2. It costs too much money.

I have found that most people who make this statement actually have no idea what the item in questions costs. They are operating on some notion that it's above what they would be willing to spend. Or they are not open to creative solutions and assume that they must pay retail for what they want-be it a new car, travel, or a house. There are many innovative ways to get what you want (and no, they aren't illegal!)

Don't make this statement unless you know the exact cost and have made the decision that the cost for the value isn't there.

3. My spouse/children/parents/etc. wouldn't like it.

I'm surprised to hear adults say this statement, but I hear it more often than one might imagine. First, you really don't know how someone will react until you actually take an action. In most cases, you are speculating as to how they would react or assuming they will react similar to ways they have in the past.

Second, are you living your life to make them happy or to make you happy? Of course, if you have a family you need to consider how your choices affect them, but not to the point that if they may be uncomfortable with your choice you give it up without seeking a compromise or resolution.

4. It's too hard.

This statement is another one that is usually based on incomplete information or full out speculation. You don't know how difficult something will be for you unless you try it. Nothing is impossible.

Stop pushing what you want away until you decide you don't want it anymore.

5. I'm too fat.

* "I'm too fat to go out to networking meetings and market myself. Who would want to hire me?"
* "I'm too fat to take professional photos for my website."
* "I'm too fat to get a date. No one will ever want to marry me."

Admittedly, I've heard these declarations from women far more than men, but a few of my male clients have said it too in reference to why they think they may have gotten passed over for a promotion or not getting hired for a new job.

While I won't say that weight discrimination may not be at play in some cases, the bigger obstacle is how you feel about yourself.

If you believe that you are fat and feel self-conscious you will present yourself differently. When you aren't confident and someone else is-they will likely get the date or the job over you.

6. I'm not educated enough.

Bill Gates quit college before earning his degree. There are countless stories of high school children who have opened businesses that have hit a million in sales.

Education doesn't equal success.

If what you want to do requires a higher level degree than what you possess, figure out a way to get it.

7. I'm too OR I'm not .

Are you seeing a pattern here? Search your language and see if you're shutting yourself down by believing in a perceived obstacle.

If you are, stop now and go take an action to pursue your dream. These obstacles do not need to stop you from achieving success and fulfillment in life.

Think about the grandma who said that if she could do something she thought impossible at age 70, what else could she have done in her life, then ask yourself, "What could I do if only believed I could?"

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR ON YOUR WEB SITE? You may, as long as you include this entire blurb with it: New Business Mentor Leah Grant publishes Startup Success, a weekly ezine. If you're thinking about starting a new business or are in the early phases of entrepreneurship, visit http://www.leahgrant.com

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Job Loss: When Anxiety Depression Hurts Your Family

 by egrandeventures

Photo: winbackyourlife.org

My husband of 17 years lost his limousine business in October. I picked up extra hours at my job, so our personal finances are not as bad as they were at first. But now it's difficult because I'm away from home more than usual, and we have two boys, ages 15 and 11. They don't know what to do with their Dad being so shut down.

Josh quickly wrote out his resume and circulated it everywhere he could imagine after the business went under. About 30 places called him and he got 6 interviews, but no call-backs -- and no offers. I think he's basically stopped looking at this point. I can't bring it up without him exploding.

He basically withdrew from everyone, including me and the boys. He said "No" to just about everything during the holidays and just let me handle everything, including decorations. He didn't buy or initiate anything.

Now when we are alone with the kids, he doesn't talk. He looks at his plate during dinner and lets me do all the talking. He doesn't eat much and has lost about 15 pounds.

The boys just look at me when they ask him something and he doesn't answer. They are worried and have asked me what to do. I am at a loss.

Josh sleeps a lot and doesn't want to talk about how he is feeling. He just leaves the room when I bring it up. But what can I do to help him? He really needs to see a doctor but refuses to get any kind of help.

Unfortunately, many families are going through similar things right now. Men often define their self-worth in terms of their work, and when that suffers a loss, they think they are failures. When any of us get repeatedly rejected, we are vulnerable to humiliation and despair. Men typically have a harder time finding words for stress and negative feelings, so they go unvoiced and misunderstood. Men also tend to express their emotions through action, fixing, and doing. When they experience connection to other by being top dog and suddenly find themselves on the bottom of the heap, they often don't know how to maintain their connections. They pull away and shut down. They feel alone, even when loved ones surround them.
Help Him Get Re-Connected

From your description, it does sound like Josh may be depressed, with the lack of motivation, appetite and over-sleeping. Helping him get connected to you again will probably be difficult, but there are some specific things you can try to find your way back to him.
1. just "be" with him in a way that isn't critical, judging or belittling. sit with him and breathe at his rate. let him know with your tone, eye-contact, touch and presence that he is not alone. you are a team and you are with him, no matter what, and especially when he is miserable.
2. defend him when he needs protection, from himself as well as others. don't let negative comments or judgments slide into conversations about him or with him. you are a fighting unit with a man down. you are a family and together you will survive.
3. take care of business with a decisive, yet respectful hand. do what needs to be done without resenting him for his inactivity. take firm and loving action by calling your family physician.

Without mentioning any names, just ask the receptionist if the doctor treats depression and anxiety disorders. If not, ask who the doctor trusts most as a referral. You might need to call your insurance company to get a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist who is covered by your plan. Most companies have websites now that you can check for names.
Speaking to Your Husband

When you speak with your husband about it, prepare him for the appointment by taking these steps:
Step 1. Waiting for the Right Time

Wait for one of his better moments, and ask him when he is available to discuss something important with you. Tell him you'll need no more than 15 minutes, but you'll be wanting his full attention.
Step 2. Get Clearance for Uninterrupted Speaking Time

If he wants to talk right then and there, tell him you would like to be able to speak your peace for the first few minutes and that you just want him to hear you out before he responds. You may want to let him know that no one has died or anything like that, but it is important to you that you get a chance to be fully heard. If he's not up for talking right then and needs to schedule a later time to talk, agree to whatever time he offers.
Step 3. Start the Conversation

When the appointed time arrives, go to him, remind his that it is time to talk and kindly ask his permission to be heard without interruption. Tell him that he'll get his turn to speak uninterrupted after you do, just so he knows you are bring fair. Wait for him to agree before proceeding. You want to set a good tone, so do whatever you normally do when you both are comfortable with each other. This is not the time to be stiff or formal.
Step 4. Put the Focus on the Job Loss

Start by sitting with him and saying something like this, using your kind and loving voice, "I love you very much and have gotten worried lately. I can only assume you've been down about the job situation and lack of new opportunities so far. I'm thinking you'll feel a lot better when you get a job. Am I right? Wait for him to answer.
Step 5. Inform Him

"Because we love each other, we don't need permission to get help for each other. I know for sure that you would get help for me if I were as down as you've been lately. I checked around and found that Dr. _____ treats depression and anxiety and I'm going to make an appointment for us both to go in together. What would be the best day for that appointment?

You are not asking him if he wants to go. The assumption in your approach is that he is going with you and the decision is already made. You are asking "when" and not "whether" he is going to join you.
Step 6. Be Loving yet Clear

If he flat out refuses, tell him that he doesn't have a choice. Soften your voice at this point, and make sure he hears your statement as kind and loving rather than stern. Say something like, "As your wife, I won't just stand around and watch you go through torture without doing what I can to help. You wouldn't let me or the boys suffer alone, and I'm not going to do that to you, either. We are a family and we're going to do this together, for the sake of all of us.
Step 7. Go by Yourself

He will probably go, but if he flat-out refuses, plan to go by yourself. In the moment of refusal, just be kind and drop the subject without recrimination. There's no need to threaten him in any way or say that you are going by yourself.

Call the names you were given by either your trusted doctor or your insurance company. Ask the doctor or receptionist to return your call at times that are most convenient to you, that is, if they are accepting new patients. When you have them on the phone, briefly explain your situation and ask them about their experience in working with husbands who are not seeking help. If they seem uncertain about how to handle it, disengage from the call and keep calling other doctors until you find one that you personally feel comfortable with. Make an appointment.

Be smart about it and pick a time that your husband can join you, if he changes his mind. When the appointment day arrives, tell him you are going to see that doctor you mentioned to him that other day, and that you "want him to join you just to get educated about what to do."

Men are usually geared toward action, so use verbs that are action-oriented, rather than "feeling" or "examining" or "discussing." You are going ... because you want to know what you and the boys can do to help. Tell him that you will be talking about him the whole time, so he might as well get up and come speak for himself.
Step 8. Maintain Your Stance, and Your Privacy

If you like the doctor, plan to go until this situation is resolved to your satisfaction. If you don't like the doctor, go see another one the very next week. Keep looking until you find one who earns your trust. You will know him or her when immediately.

If your husband continues to refuse to go with you, he is likely to ask what the doctor said at some point. When he does, tell him that she or he "had a lot of very helpful things to say" and made you understand a lot more about what you can do, like not take things personally. Avoid telling him too much. The more you say, the less he will need to go see what's happening for himself.

If he pushes to know what you told the doctor, don't, and I repeat, don't give him the details. If he wants to know, he can come next time, because you "liked the doctor so much" that you made another appointment.

Tell him that the doctor said it would be "a lot quicker and less expensive" if he would join you, but that, of course is up to him. Keep making appointments, inviting him, maintaining your privacy etc. as long as you are getting something useful out of it.

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Dr. Marlene M. Maheu is the Editor-in-Chief of SelfHelpMagazine, an award winning online electronic-zine. Visit http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/ and read more articles from Dr. Marlene and other professionals on how to reduce stress.

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Anger and Hostility Due to Depression?

 by shelpmagazine

Photo:  nytimes.com

Question: I am being treated with medication for depression but still at times feel overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness as well as feelings of anger and hostility toward my husband. Is this all due to depression or is something else going on?

I key in on your statement about feeling worthless. That is a feeling worth examining. Where did it come from? It has a ring of self-hatred to it which means that perhaps one issue you could examine would center around whether or not you love yourself.

Love of self often gets confused with being self-centered. Nothing could be further from the truth! If one loves oneself, there is no blindness to faults and character defects. Nor is there harsh judgment. There is simply hope that growth can continue and that the faults can be corrected. Sometimes, too, when we do not love ourselves, it is because we have not forgiven ourselves for some of our mistakes. This can give rise to feelings of worthlessness and depression.

As far as your reaction to your husband, there may in fact be some legitimate reasons why you are angry with him. It is also possible that any anger you hold toward yourself gets directed at him.

You may want to find a counselor who can help you explore this spiritual side of depression. Medication is a great help for the physical facets of depression. You may want to complement that with some spiritually oriented counselling which can help you examine such issues as love of self and forgiveness.

Dr. Marlene M. Maheu, a Licensed Psychologist, is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of one of the largest self-help & psychology portals, SelfhelpMagazine. More articles from this author are available at http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/

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The Roots of Optimism

 by shelpmagazine

.Photo: kentuckysportsradio.com

A boy asks a girl to the school dance, and she says no. Will he decide that he is a social failure and begin to withdraw, or simply ask another girl and hope for a better result? If he is programmed for optimism, the boy will probably go to the dance with a date. What's not clear, however, is how he got programmed in the first place.

As it turns out, researchers say, the answer is a complex blend of psychology, physical sciences, and common sense. Hoping to explain why some adults bear up while others dwell on pain and slide into depression, researchers are discovering that resilience and a hopeful outlook begin-and must begin to take root-in childhood.

If children are optimistic, they are likely to have a happier, healthier life, with less illness, more success, and greater joy in their lives. That's most likely to happen if they come from the right family and are taught the right outlook, psychologists say.
Body and Soul

To some degree, optimism seems to be an inborn trait, a hidden but important part of some lucky people's genetic code. Like several unpleasant mental states, such as depression, anxiety, and antisocial behavior, a tendency to optimism can be inherited, it seems.

Several research studies have found that optimism runs in families, though none of the studies can determine exactly what gene or brain chemistry is responsible. Scientists test this theory by studying twins. They locate identical twins who aren't living together, and determine how similar or different their personalities are. Since identical twins develop from the same egg and share genetic material, scientists believe that they can attribute similar traits to genetic causes. One of the best-known twin researchers, Dr. Thomas Bouchard of the University of Minnesota, has found over the past several years that several significant traits may be shared by family members.

Still, the thinking habits children learn are a far more important influence, most psychologists agree. Optimistic thinking is just an activity, like swinging a tennis racket or riding a bicycle, with a specific pattern that can be demonstrated to children. The area known as cognitive psychology is built on the idea that if you change the way people think, you can change their emotions and eventually their behavior.

Though it's more common for researchers to study depression, a few are focusing on optimism, hoping to help children grow into resilient, upbeat adults. The benefits can be great, researchers say, as optimists seem to do better at work, have fewer emotional problems and maintain better physical health.
Challenge Breeds Optimism

It's no surprise to hear that children are more optimistic when they have been encouraged to be so, and praised when they have a positive outlook. It also seems that children who learn to take care of themselves physically will have a more positive outlook.

What is less often said, scientists note, is that children must face challenges to develop their problem-solving and coping skills. If they don't learn to cope, even the happiest child may become a pessimistic adult when trouble first hits. The most optimistic children, researchers say, have had challenges that they can solve, preferably with some difficulty, but haven't had to face a long string of far-too-difficult problems.

A simple example is that of a child caught at the top of a tree, shouting for help, noted Canadian researchers Stewart Page and Kathryn Lafreniere in a recent research paper. Most parents want to climb the tree and get the child down immediately. Parents who hold back and let the child help him or herself breed self-esteem and optimism, the researchers wrote. Encourage the child toward patiently making his or her way down, thus communicating the expectation not of "I'll get you down," but rather "You can do it yourself," they write. And later, instead of "You're safe!" one might communicate "You did it! I knew you could."
Training Children To Be Optimistic

One group of researchers is so certain that optimism can be taught that they've begun teaching the basics to schoolchildren at risk of emotional problems.

Scientists with the Penn Optimism Program (POP) at the University of Pennsylvania assume that if you change the way children talk to themselves, you can change for the better the way they behave.

Penn's researchers believe that optimists and pessimists have a different explanatory style-in other words, the two groups explain problems to themselves in different ways.

Optimists, they have found, usually think that problems are outside of themselves, that problems aren't permanent, and that only a small part of their world will be affected in any event. Pessimists, meanwhile, tend to believe that problems are their fault, permanent, and likely to affect most of their day-to-day life.

There's no magic to learning the optimistic style of thinking. It is important, however, to train children to think optimistically at an early age, noted Andrew Shatte, who works with the POP. To catch children while they are still able to learn, the program's staff goes out to area schools, reaching out to preadolescent children aged ten to thirteen.

For twelve weeks, POP teachers give two-hour sessions training children how to change the way they think about bad events, as well as how to deal with peers and how to assert themselves. The program seems to work: In one school, the trained students had one-half the depression rate of those who didn't take the class, Shatte and his colleagues found.

What's more, the tests were done two years after the program was completed, showing a long-term benefit that is hard to ignore. Children who participated in the POP will at least find dance dates, Shatte hopes.

Dr. Marlene M. Maheu, a Licensed Psychologist, is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of one of the largest self-help & psychology portals, SelfhelpMagazine. More articles from this author are available at http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/.

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How to Push Yourself Extremely Successfully - Lessons on Motivation

 by Rotemcohen

Photo: zazzle.com

It happens to every one of us. At times, the determination, synergy, excitement, curiosity and enthusiasm just disappear. The difficulty is, a lot of the time we are not the ones who are calling the shots. We need to move to the pulse of our surroundings that continually requests that we stay alert, upbeat and moving. So what to do when you really don't care about doing anything? Or when you're overwhelmed because it seems there is an endless "to do" list and you just want to run away? The following suggestions may help:

1. Envision the Consequences
The worst case scenario is you will forfeit opportunities you are going after or you will lose your joyful outlook on life. When lacking motivation, think of how you will feel at the outcome if you don't accomplish your goal. By picturing how you will feel, how you will react, how others will behave when you don't reach your goal, may inspire you to move forward with your project.

2. Start now
Stop the mind chatter. Stop debating whether to start and complete a task or do something else. Stop the endless waffling of back and forth thoughts, thereby not making any decision to begin or ignore a task. Understand that uncertainty doesn't work for you; it only fritters away your time. So why even go there?

3. Stay on track
So now you are taking steps, moving in the direction of your goals! Great! Now stay on track. It is not easy to stay on track because temptation lures you to abandon your goals and rest, relax or just become a slacker. Stay on track, however, ignoring the lure of traveling elsewhere. Keep your eye on the prize of accomplishing your goals. This will bring rewards you could never imagine.

4. Lust after it
Passion for your accomplishments, whatever they are, is a surefire way to complete your goal. Doing any task with passion and lust, makes every task an enjoyable journey!

5. Remember your "why" for doing anything
List all the reasons you want to accomplish a goal. Is finishing a task going to make a relationship better, going to bring you more money, going to complete your life's purpose in some way? Remembering your why can ignite your motivation.

6. Be mindful of the inner critic
The inner critic is our worst enemy. Without fail, it whispers in our ear of failure, laziness, entitlement, lack of self worth and a myriad other tactics to take us off track of our goal. Don't listen to this so-called wise fellow. If it is pulling you away from completing your tasks, it is certainly not doing so in your best interest. The best way to handle this is; if you feel peaceful about your decision, you're going in the right direction. On the other hand, if you feel uncomfortable in any way, you are moving in the wrong direction. Your feelings will never steer you wrong.

7. Don't even think about it
Five minutes prior to performing a task is believed to be the most uncomfortable five minutes of all. Hesitation and all of its disciples (see number 6 above) will kick in. The Nike tag line of "Just Do It" applies here perfectly. Don't think - just complete the task in front of you.

8. Don't pump yourself up
Even if you think you have all the motivation in the world, take the time to assess your project, understand what needs to be accomplished and then take each step in the process to accomplish the task. When you are "full of yourself" and you think you can do no wrong, a little voice in your head starts nagging at you that you can't possibly, or you could never…and poof, there goes your motivation! Just be wise, take each step as it comes and you will be successful in motivating yourself to success.

Are You Always Low on Energy? Always Lack the Motivation to Take Action?

Visit Energy & Motivation to discover simple ways to raise your Energy & Motivation

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The top secret of confidence

by yogeshv

Photo: guardian.co.uk

Whatever you want to achieve in your life whether it's money. Success, relationship, your goal or dream it takes confidence to get anything in life.

Let us start with why you have confidence in others. You have experienced they do what they say. So you trust others or you have utmost confidence in them. You have more confidence about people who always keep their words.
But if someone doesn't keep his promise you won't trust him/her and you can not have confidence in that person.
So you have confidence in others because they do what they say.

How you can develop your confidence

Ask yourself do you really keep your promise to yourself

1. You tell yourself you will get up early in the morning. Do you really get up.?

2. You tell yourself you will workout or exercise in the morning. Do you really work out?

3. When you tell yourself you will call of your friend today. Do you really make a call?

4. You tell yourself you will listen your favorite song today. Do you really listen?

5. You tell your self, you will study for two hours today. Do you really study for 2 hours?

When you don't keep these small promises to yourself, will you be having more trust/confidence in yourself/least confidence? Can you make big promises with yourself?
Will you think of taking big challenges in life when you can't keep small promises?

My point is when you start keeping your promises to yourself you will have more trust or confidence in you; everyday it will increase. You can take yourself to the supreme level of confidence, which is the first key to achieve anything if life.
And if you don't have confidence in yourself how can you expect others to have confidence in you? If you don't keep your promises to yourself, why should other expect you to keep your promise to them?
So the prominent key to confidence is promise keeping. Now it's up to you, you can start building yourself confidence right from this moment or wait/ struggle your whole life that someday an angle will come & pour confidence in you and that will never happen.

Take one of the best decision of your life today, first start keeping all promises with yourself and then with others and start building your confidence today itself.

P.S: No idea can change your life; only action on idea can change your life.
P.P.S: Are you looking for growth in your career or have you taken the decision to achieve your goals/dreams; we help you to achieve your goal faster with following programmes

1. Soft skill development / Personality development programme
2. Crash course on interview preparation
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Should you have any query / concern / questions on above or you need my help in relation to communication, confidence or any other soft skill you can reach me at info@sviindia.com or visit our website www.sviindia.com

I am chartered accountant by profession. I have been researching and teaching in the field.

I have a passion to help individual to develop their confidence and achieve success.

My articles on career and success have been read by more than 25000 people. To know more about me and about my work, please reach me at yogesh@sviindia.com or visit our web site www.sviindia.com

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Make Your Life Simple And Tension Free

 by millscounseling

Photo: securedloansusa.com

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