Why Do I Suffer So Much by the Behaviors of Others?

 By Scott Farmer 

Photo: static.guim.co.uk
 
Carl Yung, one of the pioneers of psychoanalytical therapy, stated "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." How we react to an external person or situation is based on a word called transference. Transference is a natural process of how we all make sense of our world. We are constantly sensing and judging our environment based on all our previous experiences.
Even before we are born, our brain is already making distinctions of external cues, laying the foundations of what is considered safe and what in not. Once we are born, we are exposed to many experiences that our brain interprets and stores in memory. The amount of variation in experiences is virtually infinite; however, too simplify we can look at some basic differences that all humans encounter. Dr. Pamela Hays using the ADDRESSING model to help describe cultural influences as a multidimensional combination of Age, Developmental and acquired Disabilities, Religion, Ethnicity, Socioeconomic status, Sexual orientation, Indigenous heritage, National origin, and Gender.
When we react very positively to another person or situation or react very negatively, the reason has nothing to do with the object or situation outside of us and everything to do with what is going on inside of us. In the United States, our general cultural belief is a need to make sense out of everything we encounter as soon as possible - this makes us feel safe. Moreover, whether we have all the information or very little, most of us will come to a definite conclusion. Unfortunately, when little information is known we have an almost instinctive response to fill in the missing information with our transference. In essence, we complete someone's or something's story based on our experiences. The use of past experiences to explain current situations is the most basic definition of transference.
Much of the time we focus our attention on negative transference, "I am pissed off because my boss talks to me like I am his/her teenage child!" However, transference can be completely positive, "Wow I find that man/woman extremely sexy." When working with my clients, having them recognize the source of his or her reactions is difficult. I explain that this journey of discovery is not meant to condemn or codon others behavior. Simply, understanding why he or she is reacting to the external person or event can cause dramatic shifts in brain functioning and relief from suffering. For example, if a client is in an anxious or depressed state because of the way his or her boss is talking to them, we can begin to look at what it mean to the client if in fact the boss is being an asshole.
I will often ask "if your boss is talking to you this way, then what does that mean to you?" More times than not the client will respond by saying, "it means my boss has no respect for me and that pisses me off!" When looking deeper I will ask "if your boss has no respect for you, then what would that mean?" This goes on for a few moments, while the client really processes what it means to them to not have the respect of his or her boss. At some point, everyone comes to the conclusion that others treating them poorly led to a triggered response that indicates his or her self-worth is being challenged. "If he does not respect me, then he must not think I am worth anything... it means that maybe I am not worthy of respect... or he thinks I am lazy... I am not smart enough... I am not good enough... or I have to have everyone respect and appreciation for me to be OK with myself."
Most of us have come to rely heavily on the opinions of others to support our self-esteem. I often ask clients to respond to the following question. "When I am at peace, I thing... I feel... and I want? After years of asking this question the most commonly report answers are "When I am at peace I think clearly, I feel content, and I want nothing." Explaining the "why" of other's behavior and language is impossible, because of the multiple influences of the ADDRESSING model, I encourage my clients to rely on the simple three questions to discover the one simple answer. If we can safely assume that a person at peace is a clear thinker, feels content, and wants nothing, then a person that is negative, aggressive, mean, rude, crude, obnoxious, is most liking "suffering" and not at peace.
By understanding our own transference we can quickly see how others are doing the same thing. Soon the need to react or defend ourselves can be replaced with empathy, compassion, and curiosity to what is going on with the other person (the nasty boss... who is obviously suffering on some level).
To your mental health my friends!
Peace

Scott is a mental health practitioner in Central Minnesota working with clients in the areas of depression, anxiety, panic, OCD, PSTD, sexual health and relationships, health and sport Psychology, weight loss, chronic disease management, and runs support groups for sexual health, trauma, depression, and anxiety.
Scott Farmer MA, MS, CSCS, CES
Mental Health Practitioner CT
Exercise Physiologist
http://www.elementmentalhealth.vpweb.com
sfarmer@elementmentalhealth.vpweb.com
320.257.6020

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Scott_Farmer

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7339780

Share

3 Secret Cues to Feel Peaceful Inside

By Kevin Schoeninger  

Photo: a2.ec-images.myspacecdn.com
 
In this article I'll show you three secrets to relaxing deeply. I say "secret" because you can use these simple techniques to feel peaceful inside without anyone else knowing what you're up to. These inner cues are also secret because they seem to have been lost in our culture. We are so caught up in the momentum of outer busyness that we've lost our natural ability to find inner calm. So, in this article, let's explore how you can regain your peaceful center no matter what is going on around you.
You're not alone if you have more to do than you have hours in the day. There are just so many demands on our energy and attention these days. If you're constantly busy, overwhelmed by digital stimulation, and stressed out by the pressure to keep up, welcome to the high-speed information age.
Today, we interact more in virtual reality and less in-person. We are constantly bombarded with visual and auditory information and advertising. It's a huge challenge to monitor all our digital devices, stay on top of our TO DO Lists, and have any semblance of sanity when it's all said and done-and it's never all said and done.
Because of all this mental input, we are less in touch with our bodies, feelings, and inner sensations. We also have less down-time, less personal space, and less access to quiet places. It's no wonder that chronic stress is our number one health concern. We have lost our balance and our ability to relax deeply.
Yet, there's hope. What if, in the midst of all this, you could find an oasis of inner calm? What if you could relax right here, right now, inside your own body? What if it was just a matter of following some simple inner prompts? Our body and brain have a natural relaxation response that you can learn to activate at will, anytime, anywhere.
Let's explore three inner cues that free you from being caught up in the frenzy and connect you to a deeper peace that is always available when you know how to find it. You can remember them by 3S's:
1. Space
2. Stillness
3. Silence
If you awaken these three inner sensations in your body, you'll have three reliable cues that can take you to a place of deep relaxation no matter what is happening. Not only will these help you instantly feel better, they will even help you be more productive and efficient, while enjoying what you're doing more.
So how can you experience inner space, stillness, and silence? I can show you how to do this very simply in your own body. If you'll practice these simple suggestions right now, as I describe them to you, they will become more than just new bits of information in your brain. You'll have a real, felt experience of what I'm talking about.
Let's begin with inner space. You can practice this now by becoming aware of the feeling of the soles of your feet on the ground... Go ahead and try that. Feel the soles of your feet on the ground... Then shift your attention to feeling the palms of your hands... And then shift to feeling the top of your head...
Finally, see if it's possible to feel your body as a whole from the inside. Can you feel the entire space inside your skin?...
Take a few, slow, deep breaths. Imagine and feel as if your whole body fills up as you inhale and your whole body empties out as you exhale. Take a few, slow, deep breaths in this way...
Now, do you have a feeling of your inner space, the space inside your skin?
Second, let's focus on the feeling of stillness. Be as still as you can be and feel your whole inner space-perfectly still. Stay with that stillness feeling for a few moments...
Third, imagine that you are listening to a silence underneath all sounds. Imagine that there's silence broadcasting deep inside your body and you are tuning into it. I suggest you don't try to figure this out, just see if you can sense it. You may find that your mind gets real quiet for a moment as you do this. Listen to the silence underneath all sounds...
So, do you feel a little calmer? Do you feel a bit more peaceful and relaxed than before this little practice? Can you imagine how your life might be different if you make it a habit to take short breaks to practice these three cues throughout the day?
At first, these three cues may seem a bit "out there." You may or may not get onto them fully right away. That's O.K. and quite normal. We have allowed some of our inner senses to atrophy in our hyper-active culture.
If you can take even a few moments to feel your feet on the ground and take a few, slow, deep breaths, that's a move in the right direction. The more you take these "little breathers" or "mini-meditations," the more moments of peace you'll bring into your life. Soon deep relaxation will become a reliable background experience that you can go to whenever you need.
To learn more about "inner body sensing" and "short meditations" to help you feel instantly peaceful, check out the Resource Box below.

Are you ready to de-stress, quiet your mind, and relax deeply? Discover how to take your stress management to the next level. For tips and techniques to reduce stress be sure to visit us here.
Kevin Schoeninger graduated from Villanova University in 1986 with a Master's Degree in Philosophy. He is certified as a Life Coach, Reiki Master Teacher, Qigong Meditation Instructor, and Personal Fitness Trainer.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kevin_Schoeninger

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7338674

Share

How To Develop A Positive Attitude To Life

By Mededode Medese Assogba

Photo: healthylifestyleplus.com

When we cry
We wear ourselves out, we feel pain and depression, we think life is unjust and does not make sense, let us know that no matter how long we cry, our tears would not be enough to drown our problems or make them flow away. Let us wipe our tears to see clearly the solution coming our way, weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.

When we laugh
We are happy and we want the feeling to last longer. Let us enjoy the moment while it lasts because life is not a bed of roses.

When we fall
It is not the end of the world, we shouldn't give up on ourselves or remain in the dust; we should get up and forge ahead because the road to the top is never smooth.

When we rise
Let us see it as an opportunity to lift others up and not trample upon them because nobody knows tomorrow.

When we lose
It doesn't make us losers in life, though defeat is bitter, we don't have to fight; there will always be another time to prove ourselves.

When we win
Let us celebrate because victory is sweet but we should remember we won because someone better than us wasn't there.

When we fail
It does not make us failures, let us learn from our mistakes and move on. There is no successful person that has never failed in one way or the other.

When we succeed
Let us rejoice; we shouldn't think we have arrived because success is a journey and not a destination, we should keep breaking our own record.

When we climb
Let us do it with caution because the higher we go, the more dangerous it is to fall; the more challenges we face.

When we lead
Let us know that we must serve and not abuse the power vested on us and take advantage of others.

When we give
Let us do it with all humility and cheerfulness because the more we give, the more we receive.

When we pray
Let us believe that we will receive answers, without double-mindedness, let us keep our faith strong.

When we love
Let it be real and unconditional; let us love with all sincerity.

When we work
Let us do it with all diligence and without coercion.

When we err
Let us accept it, beg for forgiveness, learn from it and never repeat it.

When we live
Let us live a purposeful life, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Let us know that it is for a short time.

When we die
It is all over, the kind of life we live is what speaks for us when we are gone.

http://medassextra.blogspot.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mededode_Medese_Assogba

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7311590

Share

How to Set and Accomplish Your Goals Quickly

By Anne Del Rio  

Photo: beliefnet.com
 
You should set goals at a certain point in your life. It is not difficult to identify your personal targets. The harder part is achieving these objectives quickly. You need to plan carefully and work hard. If you fail to do these, there is very little chance for you to prosper. Unless these aspirations are carefully laid out, your progress will be slow. Fortunately, there are ways to attain these goals.

• You need to be definite. In other words, chart your course! You must know the things that you want to get done. Do not be unclear with your motives. If your objective is to become a singer, then strive hard to be one.


• The goals that you fix should not be complicated. You can easily arrive at your targets if these are simple enough to comprehend. These should also be important. You will certainly be hard-pressed to generate the passion and guts to succeed if you hardly care about it. You can only get hold of something if you genuinely want that object. More importantly, that thing must be able to transform your present condition, improve your wellbeing, add to your prosperity and give you fulfillment.


• Maintain a strategic stance. This means that you should formulate your goals so these will influence positively the different aspects of your life. As a result, you will have plenty of reasons to attain your ambitions.


• All your goals should be quantifiable or else all these will simply remain as impossible dreams. It is necessary to delineate your objectives according to dollars, pounds, seconds, inches or volume. Keep in mind that if you gauge your progress on a regular basis, it is highly possible to realize your preferred result.


• Be reasonable at all times. Everything begins with a doable plan followed by a clear direction. Then, you will need a vehicle to travel across the path full of obstacles. It is necessary to hurdle the obstructions before you get to your destination. Likewise, your aspirations must have meaning. These should generate a feeling of enthusiasm and get the full support of family members and colleagues. Your goals may be difficult to reach but not out of your sight. Again, there is no sense in running after illogical desires.


• Your goals should be concrete and not intangible. These should stir up your senses. Go for targets that you can perceive, listen to, smell and lay a hand on. Aside from this, select targets that you can take pleasure in and envision clearly. Make mental notes of your goals so you will remember these objectives every single day. If possible, write these aims on a piece of paper because this will enhance your chances of accomplishment.


• Try to share your goals with people who love and support you. You will surely earn the backing of these people. These loved ones and friends will act as your support team and fans who will help you reach the finish line of success.

The goals that you have created must remain in harmony with your values. Otherwise, the conflict will serve as a stumbling block. Clarify your values and you will be assured of accomplishing these goals.

If you want tips on goal setting, click on the link. Or visit http://www.dynamicproductivityhq.com/blog/ for more information.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Anne_Del_Rio

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7328043

Share

How Can We Change the Way We Think We Are?

By Mona Aeysha  

Photo: dsm.com
 
Beliefs or thinking styles are not very much different from each other. We, as human beings are usually product of beliefs we hold about our selves, about the world, about every thing we are exposed to since our childhood from a single gesture of our mothers to a vast variety of cultural phenomenon.
Many beliefs come into the category of relative phenomenon. We, as adults and intelligent human beings would never admit that we were wrong in analyzing something or we are wrong in our understanding of ourselves. We often make mistakes and to preserve our self esteem, would blame others. It is our evolutionary trait to survive with self -esteem and dignity whether we deserve it or not.
For our achievements, traits, and positive strengths, we justify to get a high self esteem record. But for our limitations, poor points, weaknesses, we are very much confused between low self esteem and false miss perceptions.
The question arises here:
a. Should we change our thinking style or change our weaknesses?
b. Would we be able to change our beliefs without destroying our identity?
c. How can we change our thinking style/belief having same weaknesses and strengths?
d. What benefit we will get out of this long procedure of change?
Concept building is a continuous process and no boy can interfere in it. But we can definitely modify the loop holes in it. If we think we need some advice, then we can try to edit our building block of concepts. We can insert some new blocks of concept into our old tower of conceptual blocks. We can remove some old bricks and instead put some new bricks of concepts into it. In this way we can find a solution towards our problems. We need to work on our conceptual frame, if we want to change our thinking style to feel good simply.
But sometimes we need to have some behavioral changes as well as environmental changes to be honest. Our limitations are basically our weaknesses-that need to be addressed critically and must be resolved practically. Only thinking style change phenomenon will not solve the problem.
Thirdly, how can we change our belief system? The answer is still very complicated. At first we need to examine the root cause of the problem. Then we will be able to get advice from someone or from ourselves. So to investigate our possible causes to our problems is a great job and only a few psychologists could do it in one or two sessions.
Lastly, why we go for it? we need to solve our psychological problems as well as physical problems. For the physical solutions, we are dependent on our physical resources. For the psychological problems, we need to find out the real therapy to make us happy and tension free.
In short, I am talking about therapy through conceptual change, that is a bit new but quite effective. My services are there, if anyone of you need my guidance.
Thanks
Dr Mona

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mona_Aeysha

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7320267

Share

The Social Brains Of Teenagers

By Dawn Redd  

Photo: coachdawnwrites.com
 
Most people who read my articles are in the business of working with folks in some stage of adolescence. You may work with young people who are just entering their teenage years or you may be like me, working with young people trying to navigate the time between adolescence and adulthood.
In a great TEDtalk called, The Mysterious Workings of the Adolescent Brain, Sarah-Jayne Blakemore talks about her research on teenagers. The video is about fourteen minutes long and very interesting. One of the more fascinating statements she made was that adults and adolescents use a different cognitive strategy to make social decisions. What does that mean? It means the perception, social cues, reasoning, and judgment skills that adults use are totally different than what a teenager would use. So maybe Mars and Venus aren't just the homes of men and women, but also adults and teenagers.
How can coaches use this information with our players?

• Be patient and teach. As Blakemore says, the ability to take someone else's perspective into account in order to guide behavior is still developing in adolescents. So we've got to be patient with our players and challenge them to try and see things from a different perspective. We can do that through personality assessments where they see the good (and the bad) of their personality type. We can also do that through leadership meetings with our captains. According to this video, we can't assume that they'll see the light on their own.


• Understand that teenagers are supposed to be different. The things that may frustrate you about your players may be the things that are inherent to adolescence. They've got poor impulse control, they're moody, they're very self-conscious, and they take risks. Sounds like fun, huh? But what if we used their teenager-ness to our benefit? Blakemore says teens are more likely to take risks when they're with friends. How about creating a team of young people who relish being brave and having the courage to take risks in game situations? While coaches may have to navigate the moody waters of teenagers, there can be benefits to their behavior if we're willing to see them.


• See it as an opportunity. In the beginning of the video, Blakemore tells us that the adolescent brain is still developing. So we've got a great opportunity to teach them not only sport skills, but life skills as well. We also have a great chance to development them as competitors... to develop their norms as an athlete.

Check out the video, I thought it was great. And then use some of this stuff with your team... it's really good!

Dawn Redd is the Head Volleyball Coach at Beloit College. Come visit Coach Dawn's community of coaching nerds and team leaders over at her blog, http://www.coachdawnwrites.com, where she teaches how to become an excellent coach, motivate individuals, and build successful teams.
Her book, Coach Dawn's Guide To Motivating Female Athletes, is available for purchase on her website.
Follow Coach Dawn on Twitter: @CoachDawnWrites

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dawn_Redd

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7318860

Share

Self-Doubt, It's a Woman Thing

By Julie Anne Johnson  

Photo: bigpictureconnection.com
 
It's true. Although I've worked with lots of men as well as women over the years and although everyone suffers from self-doubt to some degree, it's definitely women who 'take the biscuit' (come out on top) when it comes to worrying about whether you're doing the right thing, whether you really can do it, and what others will think of you if and when you do 'do your thing'!
And I want to say loud and clear girls - IT'S TIME TO STOP!!
Because doubting yourself and worrying is not helping you, it's not helpful to others and it certainly doesn't allow you to be the change agent and role model I know you want to be!
And, it's taking up your precious time!
Think about it for a moment - about how this type of thinking is affecting you:

• It's making you feel bad
• You procrastinate or defer making a decision, which makes you feel bad!
• You talk about 'not being certain' about 'not wanting to do the wrong thing' about 'wanting to get it right' and this makes you feel bad!
• You're hesitant and half-hearted when you do take action, and guess what? You don't feel great!

How much of your life do you really want to be feeling like this?
And what about the effect on other people?
Well, in business people like certainty. Do you portray certainty when you're dithering and doubting?
People like confidence. Do you appear confident when you're worried about getting it right?
People like competence i.e. people who can do what they say they can. You usually only get to demonstrate this by first confidently expressing your knowledge and skills and how your product or service will deliver the required business or personal results.
So, what can you do when you know that what you're currently doing is not getting you the results you want? When it's affecting the way you feel on a daily basis?
You can go easy on yourself.
You can recognise that your thoughts affect the words you say, both to yourself and to others. Your thoughts and the language you use affect how you feel, and all of these affect your behaviour and actions. And of course how you behave and the actions you take dictate the results you get!
So start to become aware of what you're thinking, how you're feeling, and the words and phrases you use. (Ask your loved ones or work colleagues for feedback and help if you find this difficult at first.) Pay attention to how you feel when you're doing things in your business; notice when you're procrastinating and explore what's going on in your head and in your body at that point - listen to yourself - mind, body and soul!
When you become vigilant, and when you can do this with a sense of curiosity rather than judgement, that's when you can start to eliminate your self-doubt. Becoming our own best friend really is the answer for us women.
So, go easy on yourself - don't criticise and judge - stop being your own worst enemy, and start to be the same friend you are to others to yourself. Let's stop this being a woman's thing once and for all! What do you say? Are you up for it? Fantastic... do let me know how you're getting on.

Julie Johnson, Leading Success Coach, Speaker and Author, teaches women around the world how to be successful and happy in business and in life.
For access to 'The 3 Show-Stopping Mistakes Made by Women Entrepreneurs Every Day' visit http://www.juliejohnsoncoaching.com '

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Julie_Anne_Johnson

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7318228

Share