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Monday, November 5, 2012

Good Memories and Bad Memories


Every one of us has a personal scream. Maybe, more!!!
I am about to share mine. Maybe, your scream will get company. Maybe, peace will descend. Maybe, strength will develop. Maybe, you will smile all the way from your heart. Maybe, ghosts will be exorcised.
Psychic calamity! Shattered nerves! Limited means as the default position! Having to repay too much with too little resources! Setting priorities. Failing miserably. Resetting priorities. Failing again. This was a daily chore.
While nights were an escape, the mornings were haunted for people will come to the door step again. Every time the door bell rung, something inside me disintegrated a little. There was swirling chaos in the mind and vacant expressions in the eyes. No one heard my silent screams that begged attention but I was too proud to ask.
Everyone looking at me with sympathy or a snarl was the touchstone of troubled times. I used to look in the mirror searching for a powerful image. What stared back was an unforgettable dense brooding face. Its power to shock me remained undiminished for a long time. The heart released a personal scream that never abated in its disorientation. There used to be a negative emotional response to about everything.
The ultimate embodiment of fear, alienation, became a fact of life. My life was fraught and anxiety driven.
My case study could have launched a thousand therapists...
Me and my family was going through the toughest times of our life.
We were cheated, ridiculed, insulted, mocked, ignored, brushed away, given up on, disrespected, taken for granted. While burial was awaited, eulogies were written and discussed. The smiles were fake. It hurt us deep.
'Why me god?' was my relentless self sympathizing question to no one is particular. Had put on a face of grace that hid as much as a see through bikini. When they knew I was looking at them, they pretended not to look. Otherwise, they pointed it out to all and ensured no one missed the fun. No one gave a towel or suggested an alternative. Self sympathy makes everything worse and I played right into it.
It was just another ordinary morning. There was no particularly unnerving event. I have no idea what was the trigger. Lying lazily alone in bed, around 8 am in the morning, I just told myself, 'Enough is enough'. I was fed up of myself. I was ashamed of my life. I took a simple decision. Let me turn it around. I promised myself. Whatever happens, 'no self sympathy'! I decided to fight it out. Instead of 'Why me god?' I said to HIM, 'Try me god! I am your product. I am meant to succeed and not to fail. Ha!!!'
I stopped staring and judging. I started smiling. Enough smiled back. I started laughing. Found humour in everyone and everything. Started believing future will be better. Opportunities emerged. I grabbed them. Failed sometimes. Succeeded some times. Learnt a lot. Overall, progressed well. Got a life. Told myself KEEP MOVING...
I thought I was a piece of coal. I realised, I am a diamond. I thanked the creator up there and all the other creators down here. The hammer and the chisel have nothing against the diamond. They are doing their job. Why did the diamond take so much time to realise it?
The irony of life is, diamonds do take time for both these things - One, they are a diamond. Two, the hammer and the chisel have nothing against it.
Till this realisation, I was filled with many bad memories and a few isolated good ones. When alone, the bad ones would rush and crush the other memories. Life looked a struggle. The diamond was very angry with the hammer and the chisel.
Sitting in the seat of silence, a realisation dawned one day. Fill the heart with gratitude. Never put anyone away from 'that' heart. While I must do everything to protect myself and others, while I might put someone away from my home, from my office, even from my life, let me never put anyone out from my heart. Pain, fear, anger creates more pain, fear and anger. To dissolve them, I must let go of them and not to keep them. When I keep people who gave me pain and confusions in my heart, I let go of the pains. Only then, I am free.
I reflected on feelings of judgements and self righteousness. They were unpleasant. They made me feel isolated, lost and a little bit frightened. I reflected on forgiving people. It always made me feel light, peaceful and very very spiritual. It made me feel strong.
After that, there were only good memories left. The diamond realised the value of the hammer and chisel. It looked at them with gratitude and kept them in its heart.
Li Po wrote a thousand years ago,
We sat together
The forest and I
Until only the forest remained
Judgement was dropped. Awareness was developed. Wisdom prevailed. The screams stopped. Only the good in the memories remained.
May your screams stop soon. Why not right now? Take a few moments and reflect. Can you see the sparkle of the diamond within? What are you waiting for?
With loads of love, prayers and best wishes,
Narendra Goidani
As I Live... I Learn
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